Developing a Smokin’ Hottt Relationship
This article is focused on developing the most positive, supportive, intimate, effectively communicative relationship ever. This does not submit that there is something wrong with your relationship. This article does not submit that your relationship is broken or that anything in the relationship needs to be fixed.
Quite often we wait until there is something broken in our relationship before we see the need to work on it. Then we head off to therapy to fix what went wrong. I believe the only way to experience a Smokin’ Hottt Relationship is to work on it continuously.
We, as individuals, occupy the largest room in the house and that is the room for improvement. So if we are not in a state of continuous growth as a person, then our relationship is not improving.
Whether you have been in a relationship with your partner for 40 years or for 1 day, you will benefit from the awareness uncovered in this article. My request is that you read it like a rookie; hungry, focused, determined to win, committed to take your relationship to the next level, willing to Just do WIT (Whatever it Takes) to create the most Smokin’ Hottt Relationship ever.
Here is an awareness you must embrace: if you are waiting for your partner to change in order for your relationship to improve, the relationship will likely end in a divorce. You have NO control over whether your partner will change, however, you do have 100% control over changing yourself.
The only question I believe you should be asking regarding change in your relationship is “What am I committed to do to continuously change my approach to change my results in this relationship?”
In America, a divorce occurs approximately every 36 seconds. Everyday approximately 2,400 divorces happen. Over a seven-day period of time 16,800 people decide they no longer want to be married to each other and approximately 876,000 people make the choice to divorce their partner each year.
I titled this article “Developing a Smokin’ Hottt Relationship” because that relationship did not exist the moment you made a decision to be with that person. Yeah, I know, there is great chemistry between the two of you. Heaven made this person especially for you. This is your “soulmate”. Would you like to guess how many of the 876,000 people that got a divorce last year said the same thing at the genesis of their relationship?
Finding what you identify as a Smokin’ Hottt partner does not insure a Smokin’ Hottt Relationship. Unless you go to work and develop the relationship, the initial connection based on appearance or chemistry will fade to nothing. There will come a day where you will be wondering what you ever saw in this person.
I have said it many times and I will say it again, the best way to predict the future is by creating it. Let’s take out our trusty crystal ball. I refer to my crystal ball often in my own life.
Now let’s create a picture of the most positive, supportive, intimate, effectively communicative relationship ever. This is the relationship that would make you the happiest person on earth. In order to develop this relationship, you must know what it looks like.
The next step is to communicate this outcome to your partner and gain an agreement from them that this is what they also want. Without an agreement from your partner to develop this relationship, it will not happen with this partner.
Once you have gained agreement from your partner, it will be very important to communicate to them what you mean by most positive, supportive, intimate, effectively communicative relationship ever. Don’t be surprised or alarmed if their definitions of these things are different from yours.
In order for us to develop this relationship we must know how these things are defined by our partner. Quite often we treat our partner the way we want to be treated, the proverbial “Golden Rule”. In order to develop a Smokin’ Hottt Relationship you are going to need to live by the “Platinum Rule” which says treat me the way I want to be treated.
We sometimes cannot understand why someone is not accepting our definition of positive, supportive, intimate, effectively communicative relationship ever. Well, each of us has different perspectives of the same things. Relationships have a tremendous amount of conflict because individuals believe they are looking at everything the same way, from the same perspective, until conflict evolves. There is a tremendous amount of ambiguity in the world and it will create conflict if you do not ask your partner what these things mean to them. You should listen to them without judgement of what you think is right or wrong.
There is no way for you to authentically know what I need from you if I have not effectively communicated my desires to you. Rather than you loving me the way you want to love me, I want you to love me the way I want to be loved.
If you are loving me the way you want to love me it is coming from some generic picture in your subconscious that says this is how you love someone in an intimate relationship. Unless I have effectively communicated to you how I want to be loved and treated as a partner, then you will love and treat me the way you have loved and treated others or how you think I need to be loved and treated.
If we are going to develop this Smokin’ Hottt Relationship we will need to effectively communicate what we need from each other in order to successfully create it.
Most of the conflict we experience in our relationship is because we manage our expectations of how others want to be loved and treated.
Let’s examine where these expectations come from. Every one of us has a lens and a filter that we view and assess the world through. Our lens and our filter were created as a result of everything we were taught and as a result of every experience we had in our life.
The things that we have been taught and our life’s experiences also created our BS (Belief System) and what we see as reality and the truth. Therefore, managing our relationship through this lens and filter produces predictable futures, conflict and right fighting.
Right Fighting is when we go toe to toe with our partner to defend what we believe the truth is.
Our assessments through our lens and filter are being based on historical data, all of the things we have been taught and our past experiences.
So, when people say and do things that look, taste, feel, sound or smell like something we have experienced before, we assess it as if it was the truth, right and realistic, hence producing a predictable future and right fighting to defend it as if it was a fact.
Quite often we treat our assessments or interpretations as if they are facts and then the conflict begins.
My coaching to you if you would like to minimize ambiguity (grey areas) and conflict from your personal relationships is to set positive outcomes and get clarity of the outcome with the other person in the relationship.
Seek and obtain a commitment to the outcome the two of you are agreeing on and stay focused on delivering and receiving a positive return on the promise.
A personal example would be if you and I were focused on creating the most positive, powerful, supportive, intimate, respectful, effectively communicative Smokin’ Hottt Relationship either of us had ever experienced we would both need to effectively communicate what that means to us.
We often believe our assessment of things is the same for everyone. Let me be crystal clear about this, THEY ARE NOT.
Another big mistake we make is in the belief that if a person can figure us out without us telling them what we need then they must be the chosen one, our “soulmate”. Well, how is that working for you?
Here is a fact I have learned over the many years of teaching and coaching humans: most of us do not know ourselves and yet we expect others to know what we need from them.
I submit the best way to improve the relationship and get more of what you want and need from your partner is to tell them what you want and need. What a novel idea!
Once we identify for each other how we want to be loved and what we need from each other in order to have the most positive, powerful, supportive, intimate, respectful, effectively communicative Smokin’ Hottt Relationship either of us has ever experienced, then we can make some promises to deliver those things.
I highly recommend that you not make a promise to deliver until you fully understand what that person is asking you for and you are committed to deliver it. Remember, you are still assessing what they are saying through your personal lens and filter.
Now let’s be clear that a return on those promises will produce a positive result and conversely if we do not have integrity with the promise it will produce a negative result.
Here is what you need to do if you are experiencing internal conflict after you have established your relationship based on promises versus expectations.
The first question to ask YOURSELF when conflict shows up for you is WTO? (What’s The Outcome?).
The reason I suggest you ask yourself that question is because as I have stated, if you are waiting for your partner to change in order for your relationship to improve, then the relationship will likely end in a divorce. I recommend that you check your thinking, choices and behavior to the agreed upon “Outcome”.
If you begin blaming others for what you are feeling or experiencing, the game is already over. When you look internally for where the conflict may be coming from, asking yourself the question, “What am I committed to do to have this turn out the way I want it to?” you are accepting personal responsibility to resolve the conflict and it is game on.
I suggest if the other person needs to be confronted about being out of integrity with the promise, the sooner you address it, the less emotion will be involved.
When we allow something that needs to be addressed in our relationship to marinate too long, it is filled with frustration and anger.
If you are still experiencing conflict regarding this issue, then I suggest you and your partner engage in this process:
You pretend you are the person you are having the conflict with and allow your partner to pretend they are you.
Now you defend their point of view and they must defend yours, both still focused on the agreed upon “Outcome”. Be sure to defend their perspective as passionately as you were defending yours.
This exercise has produced incredible results for individuals who are willing to understand your truth is not “the truth”, it is just your truth. There are many different perspectives, however, the outcome will contextualize what the right choice is for both of you in this situation.
However, individuals who are committed to “right fighting” will always get to the “Outcome” they are committed to, they get to be right.
In order to develop the most positive, supportive, intimate, effectively communicative relationship ever, you are going to have to work on it.
What are you committed to do today to take your relationship to the next level?